these are some reflections from the Tazkiya Retreat with Sh. Mokhtar
Maghraoui.. the retreat takes place every summer in the Adirondack
Mountains in upstate NY. the photo on the front page was taken from
one of my favorite spots on the lake.

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The stillness of the time before daybreak stands in
sharp distinction to the turbulence inside me. I
study the world before me, and though the lenses of my
eyes and the synapses of my brain understand and
recognize its beauty, I feel cut off from it. My
tongue forms words like "SubhanAllah" and
"Alhamdulillah" - and yet my Qalb feels disconnected.
My dhikr is in need of dhikr.

I wonder... how much of my life have I have tossed
away.. finding a quick fix in a conscious ignorance,
an easy escape, or shallow promises to my self, and
neglecting the deepest part of me, thirsty for true
happiness, in connection with the Source of happiness.

I am under mental and spiritual occupation, and like a
prisoner, I long for freedom from my oppression. Some
words from a far away song flutter by, as I try to
sort out my mind and heart:

this is why they call me a sullen girl / they don't
know I used to sail a deep and tranquil sea / but I'm
washed ashore and I've lost my pearl / and now there's
only an empty shell of me.

Somehow, I've lost my way yet again, in the murkiness
of dunyaa, in the ocean of shahawaat, that keeps me
under the waves, immersed in ghaflah. Somehow, I've
lost my Qalb, sick and hidden in veils of ignorance,
heedlessness and dhunoob, and I cannot describe the
yearning inside me to bring it life.

SubhanAllah, how amazing the vessel of the Qalb - that
it can house so much, and still feel such emptiness,
void and pain. This because it longs and yearns for
Allah, and without Him it suffers and rejects all
imitations.

How have I allowed such inner damage to occur? My
devotion misdirected, my emotions scattered, my
happiness mislaid. I have wronged myself more than
anyone else - sold my soul for a cheap price and my
servitude to a lowly master.

I need to don the cloak of Ibraheem, alayhis salaam,
and destroy these things inside my inner ka'bah. I
need to clean out this Qalb, remove the carefully
positioned images that have taken the place of my Lord
the Most High, scrape clean the film of dhunoob that
leave it murky and heavy. I need to resuscitate my
inner being, bring life back to my Qalb with dhikr and
remembrance of my purpose.

Constellations beckon me to join them - come, be a
neighbor to the stars, join us in our Remembrance of
our Creator. The birds call to me in the stillness of
early daybreak - come, release your wings, join us in
our flight ascending towards the heavens. The grains
of sand call me, come, humble yourself and Allah will
exalt you, as the chosen of us are exalted, glinting
in wondrous beauty encased in glass.

The universe calls me - be in ubudiyyah to Allah.
Join us in our happiness, in remembrance of Allah and
our shared purpose. Maybe Allah will raise us
together, the stars fashioned like jewels in the
heavens, the birds swooping with the winds, the earth
rich and fertile - and you, a human being, lost for a
short while in the desert of dunyaa, but guided back
to the Straight Path, like a lost camel brought back
by a merciful guide.

The universe calls me - and I yearn to answer this
sweet adhaan, calling me to success and happiness. I
long to find my place among Allah's creation, to
reconnect my Qalb with my Creator, and to taste the
sweetness of knowing Him, and being true to Him.

I ask Allah to make this retreat an opening for me,
for this movement of longing and desire to break
through the heavy bonds my nafs has imposed on me, and
that my returning to Him is thorough and accepted.

I ask Allah for the sweetness of Jannah; and for
enough consciousness of Him and remembrance of Him to
keep me on the path towards it.

Ameen, thumma ameen. wAlhamdulillahi Rabbil alameen.