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Topic: NYC: Love Notes: Marriage and Family Life : Feb. 9-11 (Read 2216 times)
Innallaha ma3a Sabireen
Chapter 3: Marital Rights
ďAnd women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is exalted in power, wise.Ē Al Baqarah 2:228
Women canít change their last name after marriage so she can keep her identity in Islam.
Gender equity in Islam:
* Are men and women equal?
o Words of mother Miriam and deliver a female.
o Men and women are not equity.
* Differences or preferences?
o In some areas, men preferred over women. And in other areas women preferred over men.
o Women are known for linguistic speaking. Women express her self through words. Men through actions.
o Men cut argument short since does not know how to express him self.
o Women gets emotional and cryís but still can talk.
* The natural differences between man and woman.
o Physiological differences
o Emotional differences
o Neurological differences
Rights and Obligations
* Differences of rights or preferences?
o Humanity and religion are equal.
o We have the right to go jannah or jahnmam.
o Right to education.
o Right to own property in their name.
o The best among you are the best to your family. (pbuh) Prophet Muhammad. First advocate of womanís right.
* Rights and obligations in Islamic Law.
o Inheritances right.
o Guardianship. Not being a tyrant.
* Equal rights & obligations between man and woman.
* Different rights and obligations between man and woman.
The Rights of Spouses: Mutual Rights
* Having the right to enjoy one another.
o Men and women have equal rights to each other about sexual relations.
* Treating each other in good manners.
o Good manners. Donít call wife ďshaytanĒ.
* Establishing the right of inheritance.
The rights of the husband.
* Remaining in the house, and leaving with permission.
o Give general with permission.
o Exclusive permissions
i.Come from work before get home.
* Responding to his call when he calls her to bed.
o Recognizing men and womanís need.
i.Need to be prepared for it.
* Protecting his house in his absences.
o Donít allow anybody in house that he dislikes.
* Serving the husband.
o Help with house duties and chores to help family.
o Matter of custom and tradition.
* Protecting his honor, children and wealth.
* Being thankful to him
o Right to discipline wife according to Quran.
o Part of Fiqh of Love class.
o Not a matter of beating or abusive.
i.Donít beat wife in awful manner.
ii.Those who use their hands are not good Muslims.
The right of the wife:
* Treating her in a kind and good manner.
* Teaching her the matters of the religion Ė worship.
* Maintaining her chastity.
o Right to ask for sex.
* Financially maintaining her.
o A woman has no right to give her income to husband even if she works. If she wants to work, then she is obligated to contribute to the household.
Sexuality in Islam: What is permissible?
From the life of Rasulullah sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam:
Rewrite Sahi buhkari from Arabic to English. J
* Read the story of his wives, family, and legacy of the life of the prophet. (pbuh)
o Was a man before a messenger? (pbuh)
o His wives were human beings, not angle. Not perfect nature.
i.Wives divided in two rival parties. Not in a harmful way.
1.Lead by Aisha
2.Lead by Um Salam
a.Rest of wives
3.Gave an oath not to approach his wife sexually for 1 month. MAX is 4 month, its considered divorce.
i.Wants to enjoy the time.
ii.Loves Honey so much.
iii.Was in iktikaf and ibada.
iv.Itís allowed to see each other private parts such as showering together.
v.Use to give kiss while he is fasting and then goes to pray.
vi.People expect wives to people to be the most righteous.
vii.Treated your husband kindly is equal to do what men doing for the reward.
viii.Donít be strict with your wives if taking care of husband and family.
ix.Issue of intimacy:
Innallaha ma3a Sabireen
Chapter 4: Marital Discord:
Marriage is about compromise.
a.Main aspect of marital discord.
i.Lack of agreement among person (husband/wife).
i.Each spouse transgresses and is hostile against each other.
ii.Feels that she is disengaging from the household.
c.Each of spouses has hatred for the other.
i.Treating each other in an improper manner.
ii.Disobey to make a point.
d.Surah Nissa ayah 34 and 128.
What Causes marital discord?
1.The different categories of marriage:
ii.Both believe to care for family, children and house is women responsibility.
iii.Women will not provide income for the house.
iv.Husband brings home the income.
v.If the husband helps around the house, itís a favor.
vi.Not an equal partnership.
vii.Man should not primarily parent.
i.Both work and careers
ii.Not important in regards to parenting, household, and responsibility equally.
iii.Provide income and not sole responsibility for household.
iv.Man has to be active farther and household work.
i.Man has part of responsibility.
ii.Women has right to provide income.
iii.Women has right to pursue career.
iv.Believe in it but donít practice it.
i.One partner from overseas but wife is Egalitarian.
1.Green card/ wife.
ii.Man from here/ wife from overseas.
2.Break the silence (dangers of marital discord)
The shaytan is the number reason for marriage discord.
a.Always fight about rights and obligation.
i.Men rate marriage satisfaction with sexual satisfaction.
i.Feels like living with a prostitute.
ii.Not use sex as a weapon.
i.Different in terms of physical ability.
ii.Give what is enough, what is sufficient.
iii.Believe need to provide for family.
iv.Feel if wives are impendent, need to feel in need.
i.Compare to parent/previous spouse
ii.Donít compare yourself to others.
f.Who has the power?
i.Equal distribution of rights.
ii.Man should consult with his wives.
iii.An advice form umm salaama saved the Muslim ummah.
i.Try to compromise.
i.Marriage should not be based on this mentality.
iv.If you like to help, then help.
v.Donít force things each other donít like to do?
k.Children and parenting.
ii.Donít need brand name
i.Mom wants to raise family.
ii.Husband work is his job.
1.Thinks its wrong and not your business.
i.Baby Boy husband
1.Oldest need to be taken care of.
2.Need wives around just like mom.
ii.Baby Girl wife
3.Marriage counseling in Islamic Law
4.How to solve the problem?
Sisters for brothers:
Five loving actions
* open communication
* being thoughtful (always think about her);
o Calls saying salam allekium and saying I love you.
* Be respectful
* Joking around and playful
* Protect from parents.
* Appreciative even after two years.
* To be empathetic (listen to them when they talk).
* Showing affection. Holding hands in front of parents.
* Take children to give wife alone time.
* Have taqwa and fearful of Allah.
* Romantic / sensitive
* Loving to seek knowledge and implement together
* Understanding / forgiving whatever they do.
* Help around the house and raise children
* Spend quality time
o Just before you close door say ďI love youĒ
* Help around the house.
o Service at home
* Implement the Quran and Sunnah in all areas of life.
* Share feelings and express feelings.
* Getting surprise gifts and being thoughtful.
o 50 cents chocolate
* Quality time
* Express feelings
* Feeling included in life.
* Respectful to me and love ones.
* Mutual growth in deen.
* Physical affection
o Display public affection
* Interest in your life
o Show sympathy
* Respect her family
* Love to follow sunnah
* Prefer wife over the computer.
* Being affectionate and caring.
* Being committed farther.
* Notice and compliment wife.
* Help around house
* Respect wife parents
* Religious person.
* Looking good
* Take care of children.
* Come home
* Help with house work
* Spend time together
* Praising her/ notice her.
Brothers to sisters:
* Help with religious duties
* Quality time
* Not using weakness, donít nag.
* Feed the spouse.
o Not to be materialistic
* Beautify yourself
* Warm welcome
o Donít nag.
* Dressing up nicely at night.
* Overlooking faults
* Taken the lead in apology.
* Satisfying physical needs.
* Welcoming attitude.
* Showing support on your side
* Practicing Muslim
* Obedience to husband
* Nice greeting when came home.
* Random act of affection.
* Nice prepared meal.
* Beautify yourself
* Respect parents
* Encourage good deeds/ibadah
* Dealing with kids kindly
* Welcoming attitude
* Beautify herself
* Respect family
* Good Food
Language of Love
ďWe must be willing to Learn our spouses primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. ď
Love after the weddingÖ.
* Does marriage kill love?
o Marriage should increase love if it was done properly.
* Communicating love to your partner.
o Understand the language of your spouse
* Rationalizing love in martial life
o Understand love as an action beyond feelings.
o Romantic life does not last longer than 2 years.
i.Fades gradually after children
ii.Have to hang on
iii.Love happens by choice.
1.Compromise, help, adapt to new environment.
1.Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray.
a.When you are talking to wife, you are talking to a WOMAN.
b.When you are talking to husband, you are talking to a MAN.
i.Love him little and understand him a lot.
ii.Love her a lot, but donít try to understand her.
3.Understanding the different values
a.Power and authority
ii.Men need to have that authority
iii.Donít marry a career woman,
1.The man wants to be in charge
2.Denying the man will enter in to hell.
iv.Speed, ability, and results.
v.When man talk, all listen.
vi.When woman talk, all talk and listen.
vii.Donít give instructions.
viii.When woman talk, they get tired, does not get data.
ix.Cheaper to bring a professional.
4.Crisis approach, and coping with stress
a.Men under stress:
i.Turned away from them for one month.
b.Woman under stress
i.Want to talk.
iii.Wants to be in touch.
c.When sister complain, they just want someone to talk to.
d.When man upset, they want to be alone.
5.The power of motivation
a.What motivates men?
i.To feel someone that is need of them.
1.When someone is in extreme need of them, they give a lot but when little, they give little.
ii.If you donít need me, go look for someone else that needs me.
b.What motivate woman?
i.To be cherished.
2.Want to know that you will stay with them forever.
3.Give them assurance.
6.Expressing feelings through different languages.
a.Men express feelings through actions.
i.When men are silent.
b.Women want to hear it, say you love me.
ii.Women talk, itís hard to focus.
iii.Women want someone to talk to.
7.Our emotional differences.
a.Men are like rubber bands.
b.Women are like waves.
i.Goes up and down.
Different Languages of Love!
* Word of affirmation.
o Jazaka Allah khairum is a reward.
o Good word is an act of charity.
o Surprising Kiss
o Avoid judgmental words.
o Say I love you from your heart, not just from your heart.
o Donít demand, ask for it?
o Offer something that is rewarding by words.
* Quality time
o Undivided attention.
o Try not to solve her problem, just sympathize.
o Enjoys the journey together.
* Receiving gifts
o Thoughtful gifts.
o Exchange gifts.
i.Itís not the value of the gift.
o Most purchase gifts are flowers and post cards with chocolate.
o Children give them chocolates.
o For wife get flowers.
* Acts of service
o Help me
o Be around
o Take kids
o Do it on your own accord.
o Want equal time to rest.
* Physical contact
i.Kissing his children.
iii.Give her space.
v.Donít put too much pressure on them.
vii.Bodies are made for touching not for abuse.
o Public affection
ii.Holding hands is ok
1.Whatever is culturally acceptable?
iii.Have to prove your love.
1.What you do after marriage.
* Sex in the Quran and the Sunnah.
o Is it mentioned?
o Yes, when Allah spoke about Adam and Eve.
i.When the man is on top of woman and gets her pregnant.
1.Surah Baqrah 2: They are like fertile ground for you and approach your wife in any position except anal sex which is haram.
2.The prophet stated that anal sex is haram and will be cursed. Sodomy is HARAM. Itís a MAJOR SIN.
3.In the legal place, man approach women from different position. The ansar introduce to them
o Forbidden action
i.Intercourse during menstrual period.
iii.It has to be regular blood or period.
o All actions are considered halal unless evidence proves haram.
i.Is Oral sex haram or halal?
1.Sunnah of the prophet (pbuh), stated go bite so and so private part.
2.Abu Bakr Sadiq, stated to go and clit.
3.Not of signs of good manner.
4.Oral Sex is permissible. The man to his wife and wife to her husband. Itís not haram.
5.Might not be use to it, take it easy on them.
a.Donít force them in that act.
b.One step at a time.
o As long as you take care of extra cleanness.
o Mutual masturbation:
i.Man and wife
1.Itís ok and permissible and feels the desire.
i.If a man has intercourse with his wife, donít move quickly. Let your spouse take your time, so give time such as foreplay.
ii.Men should you use the kiss, donít miss the kiss and the thigh.
1.Means to be satisfied before intercourse.
iii.Donít record yourself.
iv.Using mirrors, changing colors, candles, fantasize about it and they dress and the way they behave.
v.Role play is acceptable as long as they both agree on that.
vi.You can use profanity when youíre having intercourse, itís acceptable.
o During Hajj is not acceptable.
o Fantasy is ok.
o Itís acceptable to rub against each other when on period.
o The Abdel Aziz ibn Baz about oral sex.
How to win the heart of your wife?
How to win the heart of your husband?
Read Sahi Buhkari or Sahi Muslim
Make the Sunnah of the prophet part of your life.
Give time to your spouse.
If youíre not married, go buy chocolate to your sister.
Have one day exclusively for the whole family and a few hours for the family a week.
Donít make it a routine.
Umar ibn Khatab invented eighteen wise maxims for the people, among them in the following:
Brothers towards the sisters
* Not giving personal space
* Denying intimacy
* Comparing and complaining
* Being suspicious
* Not compliant to traditional values
* Disobey Allah
* Putting me down
* Not dress Islamic hijab
* Donít nag
* Donít compete with mom.
* Donít spend excessively.
* Five minutes means five minutes. (time management)
* Donít be possessive
* Mistrust the husband
* Taking stresses out on husband. (should be welcoming)
* Extreme house keeping or too dirty.
* Disrespect husband
* Bad comments about husband family.
* Silent treatment
* Not giving space
* Being pushy
* Poor housewife.
* Screaming at kids
* Denying herself sexually.
* Talking bad about in-laws
* Not solving problems among couples
* Doing things without knowledge.
Sisters think hateful actions from brothers
* Short temper
* TV, Internet
* Not validating feelings
* Comparing spouse to others
* Being ego-centric
* Giving priority to his family
* Come home late.
* Hiding the truth.
* Delaying to fulfill his promise on purpose.
* Praise other wives actions in front spouse.
* Too much time to computer.
* Being careless
* Noticing what they do and not what you do.
* Afraid to display affection in private.
* Verbal abuse and
* bad hygiene
* Not communicating.
* Ignoring family and spouse
* Too stingy in money and in time.
* Not cleaning up after self.
* Silent treatment
* Family preference over wife.
* Not appreciating wife.
* Understanding difficult times in womanís life.
* Ignoring the Sunnah.
* Disobey Allah
* Donít communicate
* Bring stress from outside
* Walk away during argument.
* Leaving bathroom mess
* Criticisms wife family.
* Cutting off wife from family and parents.
* Blaming wife for mistreatment of children.
* When he interrupts her.
Always give feedback, just listen.
Questions on Exam:
* Write about the contribution of Muslim scholars and their scholarly works to the ďTheory of LoveĒ.
* What is the ruling of love in Islam? How was it mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah? What lessons do we learn from that?
* Rights and obligations are the most disputable area in a martial life.
* How did Islam organize it between a husband and wife?
Innallaha ma3a Sabireen
so who all is going??